A few months ago, my 10-year-old daughter and I visited our local cafe. When the owner greeted us with her usual warmth, my daughter remained stony-faced and silent. My immediate reaction was one of embarrassment and frustration; I felt she was being blatantly rude. I pulled her aside later to lecture her on manners, but seeing her on the verge of tears made me realize she was simply in a bad mood and unaware of how she appeared to others. I had wrongly assumed she was intentionally playing the role of a “sulky irreverent teen.”
This moment forced me to confront my own behavior. By insisting she perform a cheerful demeanor regardless of her true feelings, I was reinforcing the societal pressure that molds girls and women into people-pleasers. I had even written a bookUgly: A Letter to My Daughterto caution her against this very trap. As psychologist Mary Pipher notes inReviving Opheliathis pressure often forces girls to develop a “split self,” creating a “false self” that aligns with gendered expectations at the expense of their own well-being.
Research consistently shows that an excessive focus on being “nice” is emotionally expensive. It increases stress, hinders personal fulfillment, and leads to self-alienation. I had to ask myself why I felt my daughter should be forced to mirror someone else’s happiness. While manners like smiling or expressing gratitude are important for social cohesion, they should not be used to encourage servility in young girls.
I have spent most of my life struggling with the need to be liked, only beginning to resist that urge in my late 40s. Looking back, I realize how often I ignored my own boundaries just to avoid conflict or to ensure others found me agreeable. Much of this existential desire to be liked stemmed from my experience as a queer person; I believed that constant agreeability could hide my queerness and protect me from the stigma often attached to lesbians, who are frequently stereotyped as “angry” or “ugly.”
The intensity of this desire became clear when I started substitute teaching in New York City public schools at age 48. Standing before a classroom of unimpressed students, I felt like an awkward teenager again, desperate for their approval. I forced a permanent smile and softened my voice, even when the students were disruptive. I felt genuine anger, yet I suppressed it, fearing the stigma associated with an “angry woman.”
As journalist Rebecca Traister highlights in her bookGood and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Angersociety often pathologizes female anger, labeling it as “ugly” or “dangerous.” Women who express frustration are frequently dismissed as “difficult,” “crazy,” or “aggressive.” For me, maintaining a cheerful facade was a way to soften my non-traditional presentation and avoid the “angry lesbian” trope.
However, I eventually realized that quietly enduring disrespect was not sustainable. I began observing seasoned teachers who managed their classrooms effectively without resorting to forced smiles. They established clear rules, addressed misbehavior immediately, balanced discipline with encouragement, and avoided being punitive. By adopting these practices, I earned the students’ respect rather than just their superficial liking.
Now that I have turned 50 and am navigating the physical and emotional challenges of perimenopause, I have become less patient with societal expectations. I am no longer as concerned with popular opinion. I have learned to express my discontent and set firm boundaries, whether it is declining an invitation because I need to “nest” or asking friends to meet me halfway when choosing a restaurant.
The habit of people-pleasing still lingers, but I am finding comfort in the discomfort of disappointing others. Most importantly, I am modeling this behavior for my daughter, showing her that it is acceptable to set boundaries and prioritize her own needs. I have even started to see her adopt this confidence, such as when she recently told a boy who liked her that she preferred to remain just friends. The report also notes that my daughter looked on with a stony expression and ungiving eyes, instead of greeting her in kind. The report also notes that i was embarrassed and incensed by what I perceived as blatant rudeness. The report also notes that you could at least smile, I thought. The report also notes that that’s when it hit me: by dictating that she should comport herself contrary to how she was actually feeling, I was reinforcing society’s attempts to mold girls and women into automatons who reflexively try to please everyone but themselves. The report also notes that psychologists and studies indicate that an over-investment in people-pleasing and the quest to appear “nice” are emotionally costly. The report also notes that impede individual fulfillment and self-actualization, and can lead to self-alienation, they amplify stress. The report also notes that surely being raised to participate in these gendered theatrics is where the “split” Pipher talks about begins. The report also notes that don’t get me wrong – I don’t think manners are trivial.
