When someone reaches out for advice, they are often seeking an outlet for their emotions rather than a rigid solution. Annalisa Barbieri, an advice columnist for nearly 20 years, notes that individuals frequently need to express their feelings, and if a listener validates their perspective, it provides essential reassurance. Michael Bungay Stanier, author of The Coaching Habit, suggests that many of us possess an internal “advice monster” that compels us to fix problems immediately. This tendency can be problematic when offering unsolicited counsel becomes a default reaction, potentially signaling that we believe we are faster or more capable than the person in distress.
The first step in effective support is to pause and ask whether advice is actually requested. Barbieri suggests gently inquiring, “Do you want advice, or do you just want to vent?” This prevents premature problem-solving. Bungay Stanier notes that people rarely look for a silver bullet; instead, they seek to be heard, seen, and encouraged. Acting too quickly can create a power imbalance, which often alienates the very person we intend to help. He recommends auditing your own behavior: try to let a conversation unfold for at least two or three minutes before jumping in to offer suggestions.
Psychologist Dr. Lee Valls from the London Clinic emphasizes that people are more inclined to follow advice they generate independently. Furthermore, rushing past the surface-level issues can mean missing the underlying cause. Engaging with the person through curiosity allows them to identify if their initial problem masks a deeper existential concern. To facilitate this, ask open-ended questions like “What’s really going on?” or “What’s hard about this for you?” This approach fosters agency while ensuring you avoid repeating solutions they may have already considered.
If someone is struggling, it may be because their expectations have drifted from reality, a trend Barbieri has observed increasingly over the last decade, particularly regarding social media comparisons. Rather than dismissing their pain or offering quick fixes, help them evaluate their own choices. If a partner is acting unreliably, ask, “Is that how you want to feel?” instead of providing a definitive command. Avoiding dismissive responses—such as telling someone “it’s out of your hands”—is crucial, as these can feel invalidating.
Research conducted by Yitong Zhao at the University of Toronto underscores that the method of offering support is just as vital as the intent. In studies of friends and romantic partners, researchers contrasted “commitment” to the problem—staying with the person’s feelings and exploring new perspectives—with “decommitment,” which often involves minimizing the issue. Commitment led to people feeling more supported and less judged, whereas decommitment often backfired. The goal, according to Zhao, is to expand upon the individual’s emotions rather than removing them entirely.
Another common pitfall is shifting the focus toward oneself. Dr. Valls warns that we are all biased by past experiences, and projecting those onto others can be detrimental. While sharing a similar struggle can sometimes provide comfort, it must remain brief and secondary to the other person’s needs. If you find it difficult to talk through a complex issue, consider drawing out the problem and potential solutions on paper; this can alleviate the intensity of a face-to-face dialogue.
For those supporting children or teenagers, child psychologist Dr. Margot Sunderland emphasizes the necessity of avoiding shame. When a young person comes forward with a problem, it indicates they are seeking help, which should be encouraged. It is also important to recognize when a professional intervention, such as therapy or counseling, might be appropriate. For both parents and children, emotional regulation is essential, as the stress of the situation can cause adults to react impulsively.
The landscape of advice has also shifted with technology. In the 10th anniversary edition of The Coaching Habit, Bungay Stanier acknowledges that while AI tools like ChatGPT can provide swift, researched advice without personal entanglement, they lack human empathy. True support requires follow-up, which is a uniquely human capacity. As Sunderland suggests, advice should never be a one-off event. Checking back in by saying, “I’ve been thinking of our conversation the other day—how have things been?” demonstrates genuine care and provides ongoing emotional support. The report also notes that not every situation warrants advice, in other words. The report also notes that but can turn into patterns that are less helpful.”, these are human drivers that are often useful. The report also notes that we can send out the message that we think we’re smarter, better, faster, when we move into advice mode too fast. The report also notes that because they want to be helpful, even coaches who have been trained to slow down on giving advice can be very trigger-happy. The report also notes that barbieri has found that often when people are struggling it’s because their expectations do not match their experience: “Over the last 10 years, I think people’s expectations have become more divorced from reality, particularly with comparing ourselves to others over social media. The report also notes that her team examined romantic relationships and friendships, exploring which approaches to advice led to better reported results for the relationship and advice seekers’ mental health, in two recent studies.
